Hello to anyone that still somehow stumbles upon this here website. You may have noticed that it’s gone unattended for quite some time now. Boy howdy, I sure have let this place go. It’s like an Animal Crossing village that’s been abandoned for centuries. Fucking weeds everywhere.
Anyway, I’m in the process of uprooting all of my internet doings and as part of that this site will metomorphise into something new and shiny very soon. It will not be ‘my’ site anymore – it’ll be my studio’s site.
I’m cranking away at starting up a mini game development studio and this website URL is perfect for it. So this WordPress jazz will be relegated to some horrible wordpress.freeaccount.tightbastard.rinse_washr3peat112.co.org URL. Them’s the breaks.
To soften the blow for anyone that stumbles upon this site, please know I’ll be using this as a personal thing on occasions and I’ll use this site to shamelessly self-promote my writings and game makings.
Whilst I’m here, here’s an old article that I wrote prior to the PS4 being announced. It never got used on any site I write for – I can’t figure out why. Enjoy!
(to enjoy, you need to click on the blog title and down 3 shots of whisky – the writing is inaccessible and utter rubbish otherwise)
Witty Article Title Goes Here
I hate being left out. It seems that everyone around me is busy getting excited for the ‘announcement’ tonight and all I’m doing is work. Not what those ‘professional’ game journalists call work*, but actual work. (I’m a teacher, so this ‘week off’ consists of marking, planning and more marking…)
Taking a break from all that guff (sorry students) I thought I’d let my mind wander and guess at what could happen tonight. For those of you thinking that reading about one man’s guesses is silly, a reality check. EVERYONE is guessing right now. They just like to call them predictions instead. Because, you know, they’re professionals.*
My guesses are going to be broken down into several key areas. I’ll be guessing at the worst case scenario, the best case and also meet somewhere in the middle with a proper guess.
“Hi everyone! This new console malarkey sure is expensive, so we’ve decided to play it safe with the ‘new’ games you get to play. Well, you won’t actually be able to play anything. This is all pre-rendered footage we churned out on a half-decent PC we had lying around. Here’s a list for y’all;
- Killzone – whatever number we’re up to
- Uncharted: Another thing Wot Drake Did
- Fifa 20Again
- Parappa HD Stereo 3D 4K Version (all songs are DLC)
- LittleBigPlanet: Commando Sackboy’s Revenge – Part One
- FFVII – Dirge of Cerberus HD
K thnxs bye!”
“Let’s get this off to a bang! Firstly, I’d like to re-introduce an old friend that some of you may have presumed dead. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m happy to announce that The Last Guardian will be a launch title for the PS4. Not only that, but it’ll come bundled in, you know, like Wii Sports but better. Or like Sonic was, but not as good.
Oh, you want to know about some other games? Jeez, I’d love to, but we’ve got 35 confirmed launch titles. It’d take too long to talk through all of them. That’s why we’ve got a whole bunch of playable demos for you to get your hands on. Feel free to record the gameplay and upload it immediately to YouTube. We won’t mind…”
Let’s be honest. Judging by how this has worked in previous generations, we’ll most likely get some pre-rendered ‘target videos’ where they show off what the games ‘should’ look like.
I expect a couple of names to be dropped. Maybe a Killzone or Gran Turismo, but nothing will be playable. At best we’ll get an on-stage demonstration, but I wouldn’t hold your breath for even that.
My guess is that this will be more of a stage to confirm that PS4 is happening and will be more hardware-centric, saving the games for an E3 blow-out. Though they’d most likely do a ‘Pre3’ event, seeing as that’s now a thing. Eurgh.
“Oh shit! You guys paid £500 for the last console? Yeah, that sounds good, we’ll do that again. Sony’s gotta eat.
Following on from the success of having a really complicated processor that no bugger could program, we’ve gone one step further and we now have 4 Cell processors! What’s that give us? Like, 67 cores or something? How great’s that!?
When’s it out? Dunno. When’s that 720 thing out? ‘Cos it’ll be out after that by about a year.
You want a headset? Go fucking buy your own. We’re not made of money…”
“Dang, the last one was pricey, wasn’t it? OK guys, how about this – £300 and you get a game, 2 controllers and a headset.
Throw into that the fact that our console WILL allow second-hand games to be played. We just patented that shit so Microsoft couldn’t use it. We’re here for you guys. We’re on your side.
Also, we’re not going to go into details, but the PS4 links up to the Vita in such an amazing way that everyone should really go out and buy a Vita now. No, none of that ‘use it as a rear-view mirror’ crap. We’ve really sussed it this time. Promise.”
I’d really like to think that Sony have learned their lesson on releasing a £500 console. I also don’t think a price will get announced tonight. There’d be nothing in it for them to announce price so soon.
No doubt it’ll be powerful, so expect Giggybits, Terry Flops and Hurtz Per Stream to be announced. I’m also guessing it’ll use some sort of processor and internal architecture that doesn’t require a PhD to figure out.
As for the 2nd hand game stuff, I’m pretty sure Sony don’t have the balls, nerve, gall, audacity or prickishness to do such a thing. If they do, they’ll play right into Microsoft’s hands. Not a smart move, so I don’t think we’ll see it.
“Gaikai? Never heard of it. We own it? News to me.
Anyway, you’ll all be pleased to hear that your favourite mode of accessing shit is here to stay. Cross-Media Bar for life, yo!
Also, we’ve done some research and it turns out that charging you for stuff makes us rich. Y’all need to start paying if you want to access any webs on your PS4. Yeah, you’ll need to pay for a wireless adapter whilst you’re at it.
Finally, get ready for our new feature – ‘Brand Awareness Media Implementations!’
What do you mean ‘they look like adverts’? Shut your face and give us money…”
“We’ve been quiet on that whole Gaikai thing, so here it is.
Emulation is a pain in the arse to implement, so instead we’ve got Gaikai streaming EVERY Playstation 1 and 2 game ever made. Why else would we have released those videos reminding you of the cool games on our previous consoles? To drum up publicity? Not our style, man. Not our style.
PS+ members, you get this streaming as part of your membership alongside a continued flow of free game and hot deals. Everyone else will have to pay, but only a little.
Also, we’ve got rid of the XMB and replaced it. With what? Err, something good. Like them there Apple’s interface or something. More to be revealed!”
I think it’d be weird to not go into mentioning specifics of the services the new console will provide. If not specifics, it’ll at least get mentioned. In this day and age, everyone’s jumping on the ‘console as a service platform’ bandwagon.
Odds are, the stuff you’d expect will get mentioned. Netflix, Lovefilm, iPlayer, etc.
It’s the new services that I’m excited for. Hopefully they’ll confirm their intentions with the Gaikai service they bought a little while ago, but again, I wouldn’t expect anything concrete.
I’m also keen to be rid of the XMB, but realistically that’s the kind of stuff that gets shown last. Doubt we’ll see any of it.
“Out with the old and in with the new! Our new phrase here at Sony is ‘You Are A Controller’.
The most popular feature on our hot piece of hardware (the Sony Playstation Move) was that thing on the top that changed colour for no good reason. Everyone kept on talking about those lightbulbs!
So, our new controller has 24 lights on it, vibrates, tells the time, has 3 touch sensitive surfaces, a built in camera, 2 built in screens and 3 microphones. It’ll cost £200 a pop and requires 12 AA batteries to work.
Excited? You should be! Here’s J.K. Rowling to show off her new book which is required to turn the console on…”
“The dualshock’s pretty great, right?
That’s why we’ve left it alone…”
Every new console needs a new controller, the odds of Sony ‘leaving it alone’ are remote. There’s strong rumblings of a touch sensor pad that’ll be on the controller.
This worries me, as I can’t see the benefit and it’ll only drive cost up and force developers to introduce gimmicky ways to use it. Equally, it doesn’t worry me as it’ll most likely get ignored pretty quickly much like a certain ‘sixaxis’ tilt-a-ma-jig.
So whilst a new feature or two will be added, I’d be surprised to see a radical change. The Playstation controller is as famous as the console’s logo and name. To mess with it would be a marketing cock-up.
That’s pretty much what I expect to be covered. Nothing will be dug into and no serious information will be announced. It’ll most likely be a case of ‘we’re doing it, it’ll be good, here’s what it’ll sort of look like, more on it soon’.
But then what do I know? I’m no professional.
Your guess is as good as mine.
*I’m just jealous. You writer peeps are constantly cranking out content and have to play some shitty games. Stay strong gaming journos. Stay strong.